Average customer rating:
- learn to communicate positively
- loved the book!
- This book saved my marriage
- First, we must learn to dance alone
- great wisdom from an easy-to-read writer
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The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
Harriet Lerner
Manufacturer: Harper Paperbacks
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ASIN: 006095616X
Release Date: 2002-08-06 |
Book Description
In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:
- We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
- We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
- We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
- We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
- We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line."
- We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.
Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.
Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.
Customer Reviews:
learn to communicate positively .......2007-08-09
I was not impressed with the style in which the book was written, and I struggled to keep reading it in the beginning. However, I think the information she provides in the book is invaluable and after sticking with it, I learned a lot about how to talk to people in various types of relationships and situations. I would particularly recommend this book for people like me who find themselves speaking out of emotion, because this book can help you recognize your weaknesses and learn the benefits of communicating with control and with purpose.
loved the book!.......2007-04-10
book in excellent conditions, great quality and delivery! one of the best books I've read, highly recommended for everyone in the search of wellness in all relationships
This book saved my marriage.......2007-03-02
If there is one book that you read to help you make connections to people please read this. I can bet that it will make a profound difference in you ability to connect to anyone. You will be able to have conversations without accidently pushing the other person's sensitive buttonw. On the other hand, if you wish to push a button you will be able to do so in a profound manner, and with malice of forethought. You will know how to avoid pushing buttons during a conversation, thus encourage two way communication, even with someone who is not familiar with the book's teachings.
First, we must learn to dance alone.......2007-02-04
To me, this book is the closest thing to an instruction book on relating to others in ways that preserve the self. Harriet offers clear, insightful, and do-able advice on learning how to hear our own voice and then clearly (and courageously) share it with others. Throughout the book, she continually illuminates the theme of focusing on the self instead obsessing about the other. The dance of connection begins with learning how to gracefully dance alone.
great wisdom from an easy-to-read writer.......2007-01-10
I found this book full of wisdom and only wished I had read it when I was exactly in some of the situations Ms. Lerner describes. However it is still relevant to me now and I look forward to applying it into the future. I love to drop back into her books regularly for new insights. Friends have benefitted too - we had a couple of great days just chilling after Christmas - reading and walking together. And great discussions on some of her key points. Add it to your book club and open yourselves to a whole new world.
Book Description
Former Secretary of Education Rod Paige gives the inside story of how teachers' unions are selfishly shackling our students to a failing education system, exposing the bullying techniques of the National Education Association-how these unions terrorize teachers, students, and their parents.
Customer Reviews:
Correct on Some Points, Misleading On Others.......2007-07-30
I am a veteran public school teacher and read this entire captivating book in one sitting. Paige does make some valid arguments about the corrupt, anti-child actions of teachers unions. Some of his frustrations I share 100%. First of all, I agree that unions make it very difficult for school districts to fire blatantly incompetent teachers. I know that because being a teacher myself, I have had to work with some of these teachers. They are a cancer on our profession and make us all look bad. For example, a few years ago, I taught in a classroom next to a teacher who would scream and yell at her 3rd grade children (mostly Hispanic) that they were "stupid and lazy." One day, we could hear her yelling such vicious things at her students that even a few of my own 5th grade students started crying. In tears, one girl asked me why that teacher "was allowed to treat little kids that way" and if I could go next door and ask her to stop. This teacher would also have some of the very lowest test scores in the district year after year after year, therefore bringing down the academic ranking of our entire school. Everyone, including the principal, knew how horrible this teacher was, but the principal refused to do anything because she knew that the union would protect this teacher 100% and that therefore any attempt to discipline her would be a futile waste of time and effort.
I also agree with Paige that because of union contracts, there is very little incentive, apart from a teacher's own conscience, to go "above and beyond" to help the students learn. The teacher pay scale applies to every single teacher, regardless of his/her competence or effectiveness, and is based only on seniority and continuing education units. Therefore, the veteran 30-year teacher who does the bare minimum will usually make at least TWICE as much as the new teacher down the hall who comes to work early, stays late, works hard, and does a darn good job teaching the kids. Paige cites research which claims that a teacher's effectiveness declines after he/she has been on the job for five years. If this claim is accurate, it is probably due to the fact that a teacher's salary does not correlate even one bit to how good that teacher is. Once a teacher has been in the system for a while, he/she begins to realize this and as a result, there is a decline in motivation to perform the job well.
However, I do take issue with Paige on some points. First of all, it appears that he wants to make teachers unions the "scapegoat" and implies that these unions are the main cause (if not the sole cause) for low academic achievement. However, although teachers unions should bear some of the responsibility, they are by no means the only ones at fault. In fact, one reason why we need a union is to protect us from incompetent administrators in our school districts. The elimination of tenure would allow a principal to arbitrarily dismiss a teacher for any reason, even if that teacher is the most skilled and competent in the school. Such reasons might include something as trivial as a mere personality conflict or the adminstrator's own personal and subjective opinions about the teacher's performance. Teachers would be afraid to "blow the whistle" on a corrupt principal or administrator for fear of being fired. I can tell you that it would be very difficult for me to give my full attention to teaching the children if I were consistently worrying in the back of my head whether or not I would have a job the next year to pay my bills and support my own kids. Still, the fact remains that tenure does protect some pretty LOUSY teachers, but completely eliminating it would be even more disastrous for our students. I would also suggest that in my exprience, tenure and unions are not the only reasons why so many incompetent teachers remain in the clasroom. Often, the school principal is also to blame by not properly documenting a teacher's deficiencies, as well as top school district administrators who will not support principals who choose to take steps to have an incompetent teacher dismissed.
Paige also suggests that teacher pay should be tied with student academic performance measures (i.e. standardized tests). This suggestion is based on a deeply flawed assumption that if students are performing at a high level academically, their teacher must be outstanding, and that if students are failing, the teacher must be lousy. The idea of "merit pay" would end up harming the very students it aims in theory to protect. If merit pay ever became a reality, most of the nation's best teachers would flock to school districts in affluent suburban neighborhoods that have the highest test scores. The students in low income areas, the ones who need good teachers the most, would be stuck with whatever is "left over." This is the inevitable result of a system that would penalize an outstanding teacher just because that teacher works in a school with high poverty or with students still learning English as a second language, while at the same time handsomely rewarding a terrible teacher who is lucky enough to teach in an affluent district with more socioeconomically privileged students who would still ace the standardized tests even if they had been taught by a fruitfly!
There are really no easy answers regarding these issues, but for Paige to place the blame squarely on teachers unions misses the point and ignores many other factors that have contributed to the failure of many of our public schools. Nonetheless, the book is well written, correct on many points (whether teachers or their unions like it or not), and very insightful. It is definitely worth the read for anyone holding a stake in the education of our children.
The Ball Is in the Union's Court.......2007-06-26
I have written many critiques of articles and books, but this book had my head swirling. I was a teacher and union building rep (at the same time) for many years and although I did not agree with everything the union did (who does?) I was never aware of the union's practices and history that Paige reports.
I have always considered a union necessary because of the practices and working conditions foisted on teachers by principals and district staffers (for the superintendent and board). Even though I walked picket lines and encouraged fellow teachers to join with full membership, I never protected an obviously-incompetent or racist teacher. In fact, I encouraged the principal to deal with him or her--to the consternation of my union Higher-Up. (You see, we teachers don't always blindly follow the union...or the administrators.)
One repeating problem in my school and district was caused by the upper-level administration placing on teachers the burden of one educational fad after another--all (to my knowledge) ending in failure and the waste of millions of the taxpayers' dollars.
And just like some teachers pass students along with no justification, so do some teacher college professors pass potential teachers who immediately or eventually fail our students, the community and the nation.
As Paige would seem to agree, I think teachers' unions should be only a business entity dealing with working conditions and pay. Leave the curriculum up to the superintendent (not that he or she has done a great job), or, as in charter schools, up to the local school.
Yes, I have once or twice been the subject of union harassment by one or more of the union's "blind" followers, but I was tough enough to handle it. And I didn't consider this treatment pervasive. Paige has revealed many negative practices by teachers' unions that need to be answered by them. But, remember, unions do not hire teachers (even if a certain board may be in a union's pocket, as Paige reports), so blame the boards of education, the administrator and curriculum developers at the administration headquarters.
I am not in sympathy with the idea--pushed by Paige--that teachers should receive merit or performance pay for a job well done. In my own classes I had students who learned much faster than others--and all of my students were poor enough to have a lunch subsidy. I worked very hard to get results, but a teacher in an area where most students are on level can get the same results or better and not have to put in the hours and effort I did, and he or she may receive merit pay, but not me. So, additional pay based on test scores (measured against a standard) is not fair to teachers.
Let me explain further. I say hire only quality teachers and check that quality not by how the students meet a standard, but how much progress the students have made toward that standard. If--and I'm not exaggerating here, especially for big-city schools--50 to 75 percent of my 8th graders enter my class not knowing their times tables (which means their math is hardly above grade 3) and they leave my room testing at the end of grade 6, they have made around 3 years of progress in one year! Yet, they are still 2 years behind being ready to move into grade 9. This means, they don't meet the acceptable standard for math. And I don't deserve performance pay. This is what I know and it is what teachers' unions know. "Merit" pay is a theory in the field of teaching youngsters. If it's put into practice and schools still don't improve performance that much (meaning some teachers may be fired), what are we to do, given that teaching has one of the greatest turn-over rates of any profession? The reality is that up to 50% of new teachers leave the profession within five years. I think supporters of performance pay are barking up the wrong tree.
If one is wondering if teachers need unions, one needs only read of the history of U.S. teaching to get an answer. (See my book, MT. HOREB: THE LITTLE WHITE SCHOOLHOUSE ON LITTLE DEER CREEK to get a short history; then check the bibliography.) We can't go back to the days when teachers were basically educational missionaries: Paige lauds those teachers that spend their days, nights and weekends (yes, cell-phone available) "serving" their students and indicating that this is what he thinks is a good example of dedication.
And for some interesting and moving labor songs (union history) get the lively CD "Classic Labor Songs."
I agree with Paige that for the sake of the students and the nation changes in most teachers' unions' non-student/teacher-oriented power needs to change. How those changes can be crafted to the benefit of all does need to be hammered out. Paige gives some of his ideas for improvement. How are the unions going to react? How are parents going to react? His book is against teachers' unions (of course, he will protest that, mildly)--though he does rightly praise a few union "mavericks," as he calls them. He says (after much criticism) that he thinks most teachers are praiseworthy, except that they are not quite so because of their blind allegiance to their unions who, he says, blinded them. He thinks he has strongly presented his evidence, now let the strong unions counter.
Let's hope this sorry state of affairs is soon corrected. It's not practical to think we can throw the babies (some unions, boards, teachers, teachers' colleges and even parents) out with the bath water (techniques for change), but let's do change the diapers (some present philosophies).
take back our schools.......2007-05-07
This book did an excellent job uncovering the danger our public schools are experiencing.It is a must read for all Americans.We must force our elected officials to address the teachers unions and make teachers accountable.The education system should reward excellent teachers and extract bad ones.The time is now.Encourage good business people to run for school boards.The system has to be changed to secure America's future.
I hope this is read by everyone who pays taxes to fund our public schools.......2007-04-25
This topic is so heated that it is easy for each side to accuse the other of bad faith and to make accusations that do not have substance. Let me say right out that I believe that nearly all classroom teachers are dedicated people who care about their students and most are good at what they do. Some are excellent and some are incompetent, but this is something that is known by everyone about people who work in every field of endeavor. Also, I am NOT against labor unions.
I do think they are most often brought about by bad employers, but there are also unions who are brought about by politics. And it is the mix of politics and union economic power that is as toxic as the mix of big business and politics. Each situation hurts society by stifling competition and moving the purpose of the organization from producing what it was created to do to providing jobs or economic rents for parties with the political power. Both are bad things and should be fought against, strenuously.
Neither is Rod Paige, the author of this book, attacking teachers or even unions in general. What he is against is that in our present educational system, the unions have linked their identity as the classroom teachers when they are something apart from them even while representing them. The unions have not only tremendous political power to stifle reform, they also have often hand picked and gotten elected the board that is supposed to negotiate with the unions in setting the rules and signing the contracts. How can this be good? And if the kids aren't learning, what is the use of providing jobs for the teachers in the first place? It would be similar to create a car factory that could not build proper cars, but all the energy went into issues surround those building the cars (that weren't being built well) instead of facing squarely why the cars were coming off the line in such poor condition. Obviously, in the real world such a company would face competition and, if it couldn't fix its problems, would simply go out of business. However, for some reason we feel we cannot allow competition to improve the quality of education our children receive. This craziness isn't the fault of the teachers, but of the system that empowers the unions to block meaningful reform and competition.
This is an excellent book that should be read by everyone interested in the power of the teacher's unions and how they behave in preventing meaningful change or even experimentation in trying to find a better way for educating our children.
Let me say again, I am PRO TEACHER. I think they need to be paid fairly. However, we have school systems to educate OUR children. They do not belong to society. They belong to us. We pay the tax dollars that fund the schools. We should have almost complete say in how our school systems are run, how they are funded, and the curriculum taught. Yet, we do not. This book can help you understand who has that power, how they got it, and why we can't seem to get it back. The author points out that when people are crying out for more funding, as they always do, they are really saying they are out of meaningful ideas. Money never fixes anything. That is true.
Here is a little thought experiment. People say we need to pay teachers more to get improvement by getting the best teachers. But when we raise teacher pay, do we get rid of the existing teachers and hire in new and better teachers at the new higher pay? Of course not! We just pay the existing people more. How does that get us better teachers? If you go to McDonalds and pay $2 more for a Big Mac, does it become a better hamburger? No. It is exactly the same. It doesn't change simply because you pay more for it. You would need to go to a place that serves better hamburgers at the higher price to get a better burger.
As long as the same people occupy their places they are not going to improve over increased salaries. There may be things we can do with infrastructure that can help. But simply stuffing the teachers' pockets or hiring more administrators (heaven forfend) will not educate our children more effectively.
The idea that we exist simply to provide tax dollars and do the bidding of the present education establishment while they make all the decisions about curriculum and get their advantages made into laws further disenfranchising those who should be in control of the school districts is obscene to me. But you will have to decide for yourself. This book can present you with great information about the present situation.
Book Description
Is this the way love is supposed to feel?
• Does the man you love assume the right to control how you live and behave?
• Have you given up important activities or people to keep him happy?
• Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
• Does he switch from charm to anger without warning?
• Does he belittle your opinions, your feelings, or your accomplishments?
• Does he withdraw love, money, approval, or sex to punish you?
• Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?
• Do you find yourself “walking on eggs” and apologizing all the time?
If the questions here reveal a familiar pattern, you may be in love with a misogynist — a man who loves you, yet causes you tremendous pain because he acts as if he hates you.
In this superb self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the voices of men and women trapped in these negative relationships to help you understand your man’s destructive pattern and the part you play in it.
She shows how to break the pattern, heal the hurt, regain your self-respect, and either rebuild your relationship or find the courage to love a truly loving man.
Customer Reviews:
Not only applies to heterosexual couples...........2007-09-11
This book was especially fascinating for me because it describes the same dynamics that can occur in gay relationships. Unfortunately, abuse and humiliation goes beyond heterosexual men.
Helped me........2007-09-10
Fantastic book, helped me to understand what I am currently going through in my life. Would recommend to anyone in a relationship who feels they just can't seem to get thier point across to thier significatn other.
Good book but there is one better.......2007-03-31
This is a good book about men who hurt women. I found it very useful, but I did find one better (on Amazon, in fact) called "Why Does he do That?" The subtitle is "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." I think, for the experience the author (of "Men Who Hate Women...") has had, she does quite well and it makes a good pre-read for the other one.Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
HELPED ME UNDERSTAND.......2007-01-10
This book is excellent, giving women (who have or are being abused emotionally) an understanding of the thoughts and motives that direct this type of abuse.
This book helped me realize that I wasn't crazy!.......2006-08-11
My relationship with my ex-husband was abusive, to say the least, but did not seem to manifest the typical patterns of domestic violence. At the time, I was a graduate student with strong ambitions, and an even stronger will...but I couldn't understand why my ex-husband seemed to take pleasure in humiliating me, undermining my accomplishments, and trying to convince me that I was crazy (traits that he only began to exhibit after we were married)! Forward's book gave me the strength to heal, and the courage to pursue a divorce from my abusive ex-husband. This book provided me with, not only theorietical explanations for my ex-husband's mood swings and bizarre behavior, but also a foundation for me to attain some clarity about my toxic relationship patterns. The symptoms and case studies of the "misogynist" eerily described my ex-husband, as well as, every man that I have had a romantic relationship with! Thus, some of the material can be difficult to accept about yourself and your relationships, but this book is essential if you are ready to put an end to the abuse
Book Description
For all of us who have been wounded by another and struggled to understand and move beyond our feelings of hurt and anger, Lewis Smedes's classic book on forgiveness shows that it is possible to heal our pain and find room in our hearts to forgive. Breaking down the process of healing into four stages and offering stories of real people's experience throughout, this wise book provides hope and solace for all who long for the peace that comes with forgiveness.
Customer Reviews:
Healed my heart; Lewis Smedes tales you step-by-step, while holding your hand because he cares for you.......2007-03-22
By the way, I almost never give a book the top rating but did for this one! This is the most psychologically and spirituality sound and practical book on forgiveness that I have ever encounterd. I *studied* this book, because I received heart-healing before finishing the book but found it had more riches each time I returned to it. Lewis Smedes served as the hand of God to heal my heart by showing me the goals and what I could do to reach them in an area where I had been struggling with deep, painful hurt for a long time, and had had other good spiritual help but still was not healed. God bless him!
Forgiveness.......2007-02-18
I have bought multiple copies of this book over the years, giving it to friends in pain and reading and re-reading it myself. Deals with letting go of anger/hatred/pain through forgiveness and becoming free to once again experience joy in your life.
Forgiveness, more complicated than it may seem.......2007-01-04
I bought this book because of its title at a time when I was struggling with the issue; and subsequently led a retreat with it for a spiritual seeking group. I refer to its wise and intelligent guidance again and again. I have recommended it to others more times than I can count. It is a logical and compassionate process book for an area that touches everyone. Forgiveness seems to be part of the human condition and this text meets my needs. I have an on going account on this book because after fruitful conversations with others, I usually send them a copy. It does not have a time value as the contents wear well through the years.
Coming To Terms With Deception........2006-06-13
Written by the author of 'Mere Morality' and 'How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?' he instructs us in the ways to go about righting a wrong by forgiveness, through encouragement. Forgiving starts with yourself. When you get hurt badly by the actions of others, if you'll reflect on what caused the hurt, it's possible you brought it on yourself. After the upset settles down and you can think clearly again, you need to first forgive yourself for being so gullible. A nasty person doesn't get hurt by the mean actions of others; he revels in the chaos and turmoil he inadverently caused. He's proud of what he did, as he is a monster. You can forgive yourself through the courage of love (for yourself). After all, as Christians we were told to love our enemies; sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. No one else cares about what you're going through or how much you hurt, so you must put #1 first in order to forgive.
The rule is we cannot forgive ourselves unless we look at the failures in our past in a completely honest assessment. We all hurt ourselves. We need to consider the unfair harm we did to others. The memory of a moment when you lied to the person who trusted you; the times you turned away from somebody who called out to you for help. We hurt people by our bungling as much as we do by our vices. The more decent we are, the more acutely we feel the pain and hurt by those we'd let into our lives in a special way.
Are some people unforgivable? There are monsters who perpetuate such evils (to them, it was fun -- a kick!) that ordinary people think are impossible. When you are betrayed, you feel the pain that all the betrayals of human history bring into this world. Some people who cause great harm, physically or psychologically, for which there was no rhyme or reason, are unforgivable! These monsters disqualify themselves forever from forgiveness by a human being. Psychially, there are inhuman. Others who, even inadvertently were the impetus (cause) of the abuse can be forgiven. Even those who refuse to accept responsibility and run from the consequences. You need the contrast in your life. How can you truly appreciate joy until you're first experienced some sorrow?
Forgiving is a slow process. The victim of the abuse first must love himself again and realize that the world keeps on moving; only those involved know of the damage caused by one (or two) unfeeling individuals. Eventually, the one you cared for can be forgiven. He may not benefit from this process, but you will.
Only then can you get on with your life. So, it's taken a different direction and you feel lost at first -- it can be done. Someday, the person who hurt you will be hurt as badly or more by someone else. What goes around comes around. It's the cycle of life. The earth keep revolving on its axis, and others face death without pain. When you hurt, you know you are still alive. Quality of life is important, but so is continuity. Don't ever give up, as life (even when in great pain) is worth living.
Forgiving is love's revolution against life's unfairness. Anger is the executive power of human decency. You are not a failure at forgiving because you still harbor anger after a painful wrong was done to you. It is unrealistic to expect a single act of forgiveness to rid us of all angry feelings. I could never love my enemies. They are simply not worth thinking about.
I found this to be very practical.......2004-10-21
This may turn people off because it talks about Christianity, but to me the author who is a Christian couldn't have illustrated it more perfectly than with talking about Christ. Christ provided the ultimate role model for forgiving others. When he died on that cross some 2,000 years ago he not only paid the penalty for our sins, but illustrated forgiveness on the cross while he was up there by asking God to forgive the ones who wanted him up there. I honestly don't feel that any of us could begin to start to learn about forgiveness without looking to Jesus Christ. I know I couldn't I tried for what seemed like an eternity to forgive those who hurt me as far back as 30 years ago, but it was a struggle to as I still wanted to see them suffer, and go to hell for what they did to me, and this was still after I accepted Christ. Let's face it if you've been able to forgive someone, and not think, or speak ill of them afterwards without Christ I want to meet you because somewhere through the stoic secular rhetoric I was told I missed something. Forgiveness is something that is not really held in high regard in the world as people are told to just let go, and move on, but how many people must we meet before we find the ones who meet up to our standards, and we know in our knower that they won't hurt us. I know some out there feel that "Well our families are all we need", but are we strong in ourselves that to prove we don't need Christ to forgive, and can overlook small and big disappointments our families can and will put us through. I'm a recovering unforgiver, and I've been unforgiving for over 30 years. Since reading this book I've forgiven 7 people who have hurt me, and others I'm chiseling around the edges. It's not an easy road to forgive others because you still wonder "Why Did It Have To Happen To Me?". There are things that are so small that need to be forgiven, and we don't think of them because they don't cause us financial, emotional, or physical, but left unchecked they can and will. I just can't think of forgiveness without looking to the cross because we all killed the Saviour, and not just Romans, or the Jewish. I mean the Germans, Irish, English, Arabians, Eskimos, etc. We all did it, and through it all he forgave us, and left a way open to come to him. For those who were offended I apologize, and I pray that you can learn to forgive.
Book Description
It's easy to trust God when everything's going your way. But what about when things go wrong? Learn the essentials of belief necessary to trust God completely.
Customer Reviews:
Best book on the subject I've ever read.......2007-08-15
Best book I've read on "why bad things happen". I really appreciated the fact that Mr. Bridges used scripture to back up what he had to say, and not his "feelings" or "experiences". Also, unlike most writers on this subject, he didn't try to explain God. Guess what? If we could EXPLAIN Him, He'd be one of US! The author doesn't minimize God, but challenges us to really rest in WHO HE IS.
Trust God.......2007-01-04
This book is wonderful and is essential reading for anyone, not only those going through hard times, but also those with questions as to how to let go of our anxieties and worries. Everything Bridges says he back up with the Bible, and he does not skip around the difficult questions, but addresses them. This book was exactly what I hoped for and will be re-read many times I am sure.
The only solid ground.......2006-04-20
This book is gold. I read it about 10 years ago as I went through a hard time personally. At the time, I was struggling to come to grips with God's sovereignty. Bridges helped me to see that God's sovereignty is not some raw, unguided power. It is directed by God's boundless wisdom and endless love.
As a Christian pastor, I've read lots of books. But this one is right up the top of the stack. The truths here are truths to be cherished and loved. And so is the God of whom they speak. Here is solid ground indeed.
This is no piece of dead orthodoxy written in a cloister. Rather, it is a profound expression of a Godward and biblical faith that can be lived and loved in spite of life's harsh knocks.
So what are you waiting for? Buy this book! Read it! Pray through it! Grow! And then when you're done here, read another good book! I dunno ... maybe a solid book on prayer like Don Carson's "Call to Spiritual Reformation" or Richard Pratt's "Pray with Your Eyes Open."
Help when the going is tough.......2006-03-27
Even Christans can become dicouraged, and Jerry Bridges paints a series of pictures with which any person who has doubted the love of God during a crisis can identify. His explanation of the sovereignty of God cannot fail to encourage those who are in the depths of despair over the loss of a loved one, who are in the midst of a serious illness or who have been disappointed by the actions of others. Unlike many other books in a similiar vein, Mr Bridges backs up his points with scripture - the final authority for a Christian.
Remember The Attributes of God.......2006-03-23
What a classic. This book was required reading for a Biblical Counseling class at Southern Seminary. It has forever changed the way I view my faith. When we meditate on God's omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence, we cannot help but trust Him! If we truly believe He only purposes good for us, (Romans 8:28-29), then we will trust Him in all we go through!
What a blessing this book has been.
Book Description
“There are beautiful and wild forces within us.” With these words the mystic, St. Francis, described what ancient traditions believed was the most powerful force in the universe—the power of prayer. For more than 20 years,
Gregg Braden, the best-selling author of The God Code, has searched for evidence of a forgotten form of prayer that was lost to the West following the Biblical edits of the early Christian Church. In the 1990s, he found and documented this form of prayer still being used in the remote monasteries of central Tibet. He also found it practiced in sacred rites throughout the high deserts of the American Southwest.
In Secrets of the Lost Mode of Prayer, Braden begins by describing this ancient form of prayer that has no words, or outward expressions. Then for the first time in print, he leads us on a journey exploring what our most intimate experiences tell us about our deepest beliefs. Through case histories and his personal sharing, Braden explores the wisdom of these timeless secrets, and the power that awaits each of us, just beyond our deepest hurt!
Customer Reviews:
Secrets of the Lost Mode of Prayer.......2007-07-03
This is a permanent addition to my library. Mr. Braden's writing is engaging, inclusive and uplifting. While I did not want the book to end, I am compelled to reread it over and again. And the physical qualities of the book itself are tactile and visual encouragements to pick it up and page through many passages. In a word, inspiring.
Great!.......2007-05-07
This book is very artfully done, makes an excellent gift. He describes the "lost" wisdom in a very sacred way, compared to the - you want to get rich approach - of The Secret.
Give this to your friends.......2007-03-12
This book thoroughly confirmed my belief that our thoughts and attitudes influence and even change our world. It is beautifully explained, and illustrated for me how our preconceived ideas often block us from real perceptions of people and things as they are. To someone on a soul-searching journey to find the eternal answers of who we are, and why we are here, this book may be an AHA!moment revelation. Like all of Gregg Braden's books, it is written in an elegant, simple style, and every word resonates with truth.
What a blessing!!.......2007-03-11
Like all of Greg Braden's books - a true blessing in my life. What I enjoy most about Greg's books is the practicality of his spirituality and how he makes us practical in what spirituality has to offer anyone who wants its benefits in their lives. An enlightening read. indeed.
He's On To Something.......2007-02-22
I finished this book today, and am left with the feeling that there well may be something profoundly powerful about what he is saying here. If anything, it may be dismissed because it is so seemingly simple! We humans tend to like to complicate things. So for me now, it's practise, practise... I can almost feel what this is already -- maybe I'm just a little afraid to try it. I was very intrigued by the idea of not just doing prayer at a proscribed time, but all the time, all day, is your prayer. That's a challenge for focus and transformation if ever there was one.
The book is certainly a beautiful thing visually as well, the images for me served to heighten my feeling of connection to humanity's spiritual journey through eons of our history. This leads to my one complaint, which is that Braden's prose did not equal the poetry of the images, so the book felt imbalanced in that sense. In all though, what he is saying is certainly worth contemplating, and trying.
Customer Reviews:
boring as hell?.......2007-07-17
I got a request to review this...there you go. It's for school...of course it's boring.
A Rhapsody of Words.......2007-02-17
The book is perfect. It was exactly the book I needed and it got here in a timely fashion, all the better since I had waited so late to order it. It is in perfect condition.
Amazon.com
If parents, educators, and youth workers were to read only one book about helping adolescence—this would be the one. Chap Clark managed to get inside the world of US teenagers and reveal the depths of angst, pressure and loneliness they feel. Hurt is a illuminates the under layers of teen culture, the places where adolescents are most honest and vulnerable, only to discover that today's youth are indeed a tribe apart—and it is the adults who have isolated them.
Most of Clark's research took place in Crescenta Valley High School in north Los Angeles County. One might wonder how a middle-aged dad could get inside the heads of so many teens from so many walks of life. He did this by doing what most adults are unwilling to do—spending time with teens and asking questions, by showing a genuine curiosity in their world and a willingness to hear their answers without judgment. The results are riveting.
Ultimately this is an indictment of our increasingly adult-centric society that is more invested in adult interests than the individual needs of our youth. By the time adolescents enter high school, most have been subjected to at least a decade of adult-driven agendas. He slams coaches who are so invested in winning at youth sports that they leave mediocre athletes on the bench or pull them off the team. He points to the once playful dance classes that somehow morph into intensive dance training and regional competitions. Or the high school junior who faces a nightly four-to-five hour marathon of homework only to rise at 7 a.m. for morning band practice before AP calculus. We reward youth for their adult-pleasing achievements, failing to consider the price of isolation, stress and fear of failing that this generates.
Clark (the author of Daughters & Dads 1576830489 and From Father to Son 1576832945) concludes the book with solid recommendations for turning this tide. Unfortunately, he often defends his research and recommendations, as if a critical academic was looking over his shoulder. The truth is this book belongs less to the world of academics and more appropriately in the hands of anyone who lives with or directly works with teenagers. --Gail Hudson
Book Description
What do teenagers really think about adults? If you think you know the answer, you may be in for a surprise. According to Chap Clark, today's adolescents have largely been abandoned by adults and left to fend for themselves in an uncertain world. As a result, teens have created their own world to serve as a shield against uncaring adults. Based on six months of participant-observer research at a California public school, this book offers a somewhat troubling but insightful snapshot of adolescent life. It will surprise and enlighten parents, youth workers, counselors, pastors, and all who want to better understand the hearts and minds of America's adolescents.
Customer Reviews:
Eye-Opening.......2007-04-13
This book was recommended to me by my youth pastor, and as a senior pastor I'm glad I've read it. If you thought you understood youth and their lifestyles, then think again. Chap Clark reveals that the youth of today are greatly different than the youth of twenty or even ten years ago. Combining hard sociological data with a Christian compassion for young people, the author enlightens anyone who comes into contact with teenagers. I strongly recommend this book to any parent, pastor, church leader, or other adult who is working with teens. We can't truly minister to younger generations until we've taken the time and effort to understand their unique needs and wants. Clark does an excellent job here of summarizing them both.
a book for every parent, or person who works with kids!.......2007-03-25
Very sobering look at the state of adolecent thinking. Well researched and informative. A must read!!
Sociology, not theology.......2006-01-11
I bought this book expecting to get a healthy dose of sociology along with some seriouse theological reflection on the sociological data. I was wrong. In my opinion this book was too heavy on sociology and too lite on theology. If Clark would've spent more time connecting the sociological conclusions to theological implications, the book would've been a gem.
If you love youth, you'll read this book........2005-10-20
Below is the book review I submitted to Group Magazine regarding this book.
This is an academic resource that differs from most in that it describes what the adolescent culture of today looks like through the eyes of those who live it.
Dr. Chap Clark has given those who care for, and work with youth another gem. This resource is for any adult (parents, counselors, teachers, professional youth workers) that has significant interaction with teenagers. Most importantly, this book offers wisdom and insight as to how to connect with teens that are abandoned and hurt. A major premise (and proof) of this book is that these abandoned and hurt teens are not just the "at-risk" youth, but a shockingly large group of students that have been left behind by well intentioned adults and their created programs. You will not find "over-talked" postmodern rhetoric in this book. You will find compelling, hard-hitting data that clearly states the crisis that teenagers are experiencing today. Hurt will be difficult for some to read because it challenges the very landscape its readers have created. Further, it is a deep book and could be challenging for some with limited reading skill level.
Every Adult Should Read!!.......2005-10-13
This is an outstanding presentation of quality research that has practical application! Youth NEED adults. They need a supportive, safe environment.
Chap Clark does a great job of opening our eyes to the reality of the life of high school students. A change needs to happen in the societal view of how to help youth become healthy, happy, successful adults...and this is a good start!
Customer Reviews:
Falling Out of Love.......2007-08-03
Face it ... when you buy this book on how to fall out of love, chances are you are hurting. This book takes a behaviorist approach to breaking an obsessive connection to a person who you still love but who, for whatever reason, is no longer available to you.
There's an old joke that says that every time a dog salivates, a behaviorist psychologist somewhere has to quick run and ring a bell. But there is this ... the behaviorist approach can have quick positive results in certain situations, and rescuing people from helpless love is one of those situation. Other books on this topic seem to spend all their time endlessly describing the behaviors of people who are compulsive-obsessive about someone. This little book gets right down to cases, giving guidelines for a step by step practical program to help get your mind off that "special person" who occupied it hundreds of times a day.
Beginning with this technique of "thought stopping", the authors continue with a series of steps to take the reader through the process of breaking the old connection and forming a connection with a new partner successfully. Those who love obsessively have experienced the terrible situation where the former lover that you can't forget becomes a "third wheel" on a new romance. This book shows, step by step, how that can be prevented as well.
All in all, a very good practical approach to a vexing problem that many people who love deeply will face at some time in their lives.
Helped me.......2006-09-02
This book helped me a great deal with my own relationship problems. I also reccomend Confusing Love with Obsession by John D. Moore
Hard hitting.......2006-03-30
This is a good book for getting an unproductive or destructive relationship out of your head much more quickly and permanently than time alone will. Be sure you want to before you start. There's even the possibility you could become "just friends" without wanting to repeat past mistakes.
The authors warn you up front, there are some raw psychological approaches used here, where you deliberately change your view of a person. Moving from adoration, to silliness, to outright ugliness if need be, you reverse the "attractive" thought processes that get us so caught up in the first place. If you keep an open mind and just do it you may be surprised at the results. Mr./Ms. unshakeable weren't always up on a golden pedestal and if you know they shouldn't be, this is your chance to quit reinforcing it, break it down, and move on to better things.
Very insightful really hit home.......2005-12-09
I actually found this book in the free donated books section of the library and I needed help with this subject. I was skeptical at first but in reading it, I was amazed at how close the ideas in the book hit home. I started trying them and they are working.
This is an excellent book, it may not help everyone but at the price you can find this for used here, why not give it a try. For me, it was brilliant.
Clinical to say the least.......2005-11-12
I think this book has a heart that is in the right place, but I just couldn't get on board with some of the messages (see review below me!).
I did find a forum online that was very helpful to me and an ebook that helped me to deal with my breakup. I recommend
The BreakUp Workbook as well as their forum to help you deal with a man that has wrecked you!
Book Description
Is it impossible to let go — despite the pain?
• Do you yearn for someone who is not physically or emotionally available to you?
• Do you believe that if you love him enough he will have to love you?
• When you feel insecure, does it drive you only to want her more?
• Do you find yourself phoning repeatedly or waiting long hours for the phone to ring?
Do you wish someone would let go of you?
• Does an ex-lover or ex-spouse refuse to believe that it’s over?
• Do you receive unwanted phone calls, letters, presents, or visits?
• Is this pursuit of you creating so much anxiety that it affects your physical or emotional well-being?
In this invaluable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward presents vivid case histories as well as the real-life voices of men and women caught in the grip of obsessive passion.
Whether you’re an obsessive lover or the target of such an obsession, here is a proven, step-by-step program that shows you how to recognize the “connection compulsion,” what causes it, and how to break its hold on your life so that you can go on to build healthy, lasting, and pain-free relationships.
Customer Reviews:
obssesive relationships.......2007-08-17
This is the best book that truly spoke to obsessive lovers. I had a hard time putting the book down becuase I related to so many of the people inside. Finally, someone has written a book for both women and men about obsessive, addictive relationships. I feel like I have new insight into problem and can start making positive changes in my life. Excellent book for anyone caught up in another person.
Get over that "one magic person".......2007-07-14
I hate those reviewers who write, "this book changed my life," but this book saved my life. I was able to quit a very toxic relationship after 3 years while reading this book. The exercises really help because it's so eye opening to finally see on paper our unhealthy patterns and behaviors. Her section that explains the difference between feelings and thoughts is very enlightening since most of us seem to confuse the two in our communications (saying, "I felt like the movie was kind of slow," when we really mean, "I think this movie is slow, and I feel bored, restless.") This book can really help you get your life back in balance when you think you just can't live without that one magic person.
An encouragement, but not a one-size-fits-all cure.......2007-01-29
I have struggled three times with "obsessive love," and am now struggling a fourth time. When I first saw this book, I was encouraged to know that I'm not alone, and that I have a documented psychological condition with documented remedies. Unfortunately, however, I was expecting too much, and was disappointed. There is no easy one-size-fits-all solution, and I was left with more questions than answers at the end of the book.
Based on the cover, you would imagine that most of this book would be devoted to practical advice for obsessive lovers. Not so. The first section (pages 1-106) is just a symptomatic description of the problem, illustrated with numerous stories from Dr Forward's clients. She starts with an outline of the emotional process in an obsessive lover's mind - the constant fear of rejection, and ultimate denial of rejection, leading to a totally unrealistic view of the relationship. The chapter is padded with more examples than it needs, but it gets the point across: if you're an obsessive lover, you will now be in no doubt about it. In the following chapters, she goes on to talk about progressive levels of obsessive behavior: frequent phone calls, unwanted gifts, stalking, anger, revenge and ultimately murder (!). I lost the thread right at the beginning of this list. Obsessive behavior for me means pacing around my apartment, sleeping all day, bad eating habits, distraction from work, but never any obvious personal harrassment.
I plowed on, skipping through some of the bizarre and irrelevant stories, mildly encouraged that things could be a lot worse. The second section (pages 107-168) deals with obsessive love from the target's point of view: how to free yourself from an obsessive lover. That's probably useful information if you're in that situation, but not if you're the obsessor, as is probably the case for most readers.
Next we have a chapter about the possible root causes of obsessive love, namely bad experiences during childhood (pages 169-193). Dr Forward suggests that most obsessive lovers have suffered rejection by parents, peers or early lovers, and that our adult lovers are an emotional substitute. Interesting theory, but does it help? Not really.
Finally, in pages 194-278, we reach the meat of the book. A practical guide to overcoming obsessive love. Dr Forward leads you through a step-by-step process of identifying destructive triggers and behaviors in our lives, and systematically making more constructive choices. Part of the therapy involves a two-week "emotional vacation" away from your lover, with absolutely no contact permitted. The system sounds sensible, if you have the discipline to go through with it - though some aspects are embarrassingly silly (sticking little STOP signs all over your house!). I think it would be difficult to apply without human accountablility.
My biggest complaint, speaking personally, is that this book makes too many assumptions about your situation. In most of the cases where I've become obsessed, I have not been outright rejected. My "targets" wanted to remain as close platonic friends after the casual romance ended, since we had already been friends before dating. They didn't understand, or even realize, that I was going through agony with the friendship. In two cases, the situation was left open-ended, i.e. "I can't handle a serious relationship right now; let's just be friends, and see where we end up when our lives are less chaotic," etc. All of Dr Forward's examples deal with more explosive break-ups or cheating partners, and not with nice friends who just don't want a serious relationship. How do you separate yourself from a friend who doesn't even know you're obsessed, when THEY are the ones initiating all the contact? I have other friends who have suffered in similar ways, but Dr Forward has nothing to say on this scenario. She also doesn't deal adequately with "passive obsessors" - people who act out their obsession by withdrawing themselves from the world, instead of phoning, stalking, etc. Forcing yourself NOT to do something is a tangible objective - but when your obsession drains away all your energy, and all you can do is sleep or stare at the wall, this surely requires a different sort of therapy. Some of her ideas may help in this case (eradicating sensual triggers, increasing physical exercise, etc), but depression itself will still be a hard thing to overcome without professional help.
Why good relationships end........2006-05-04
After I had 3 long term relationships end. I decided to look for help. A counselor recommended I read Susan's book. Wow what an eye opening experience. Many of the situations she outlines in the book parallel my relationships. It helped me take a fresh look at the way I think about love and relationships. It doesn't take too long to read and has totally changed my life. If you think your obsessing you should read this book. And start enjoying fun and healthy relationships instead of poisoning your life.
This book is for everybody. Get it........2006-04-15
This book is for everybody. Everybody has had the experience of not wanting to let go, or letting go and finding it extremely painful. Hardly anybody does the strange things Forward describes her clients doing, but the insights she offers on how to deal with one's feelings speak to the universal human experience. I decided to write off "relationships" years ago, but reading this book was just the thing to find closure and put an end to that part of my life permanently. Whether you are writing off one "relationship" or writing off all "relationships" the way I did, Forward can help you and how.
The book could benefit from a good editor. I was not at all interested in reading about her weird clients, which took up at least half the book, and some of them are really major league weird. But after a few pages you learn to "zap" that part the same way you "zap" commercials on your VCR. Her comments on why people find "relationships" so painful and ultimately not worth bothering with and where those feelings originate and how to get rid of them are pure gold and well worth reading. I cannot recommend a better resource.
Also, readers who have heard Forward on the radio should know that the book is not at all obnoxious, despite the way she comes across in her show. Whoever wrote this book (Forward or an uncredited ghost) strikes you as someone you would feel very comfortable turning to for advice.
Get it. You will be glad you did.
Books:
- The Invisible Landscape: Mind, Hallucinogens, and the I Ching
- The J Curve: A New Way to Understand Why Nations Rise and Fall
- The Measure of a Man: A Spiritual Autobiography (Oprah's Book Club)
- The Measure of a Man: A Spiritual Autobiography (Oprah's Book Club)
- The Men We Never Knew: How to Deepen Your Relationship With the Man You Love
- The Miracle Ball Method: Relieve Your Pain, Reshape Your Body, Reduce Your Stress
- The Mirror of Her Dreams
- The Mixed-Up Chameleon
- The One I Love
- The Registration of Baroque Organ Music
Books Index
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