Book Description
Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues? Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy? Are you struggling under a load of resentment?
The key to creating a deeper bond in your marriage
may lie buried in your childhood.
Your early life experiences create an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all future relationships, especially your marriage. In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you pinpoint the reason your marriage is struggling–and they reveal exactly what you can do about it.
Drawing on the powerful tool of attachment theory, the Yerkoviches identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. As you discover how your relationship has been guided by these imprints, you’ll gain the insights you need to stop stepping on each other’s toes and instead allow yourselves to be swept along by the music of a richer, deeper relationship.
Customer Reviews:
Hits the nail on the head.......2007-09-14
I've read books before that "categorize" your personality type, etc, and I have never heard anyone describe me... until I read this book. They nailed my personality or "love style", based on how I was raised. It really gave me insight into WHY I do things the way I do. And not only that, but it showed me HOW to work on those areas that need work. Great book... I am buying a copy of the book and workbook for some friends who are getting married. What better way to start off marriage, than to understand yourself better, before trying to understand someone else?! This book has also helped me understand my husband better too and be more compassionate and understanding of him. :)
This book saved our marriage!!.......2007-09-03
Being married for 29 years might prove our commitment to one another, but it by no means reveals the turmoil and hurt that has been exchanged. After seeing several counselors and reading a plethora of marriage/relationship 'self-imrovement' books, we could not seem to find the missing key to unlock the destructive patterns and 'dances' that had so encumbered our marriage. I heard Milan Yerkovich on the radio talking about this book and its accompanying workbook. I checked it out, purchased it, and we are now working through the workbook together (we each have our own copy). It has completely changed the way that we relate to one another, even after all these years. We are taking our time going through the questions, sharing with and learning things about each other that we would never have known otherwise. The change, especially in my husband, has been nothing short of amazing.
I would HIGHLY recommend this book and workbook to all couples. If more couples would use this book before going through with a divorce I dare to say that they wouldn't choose to divorce. The information contained in these pages will truly change your life!
love styles.......2007-08-29
"How we love", is an excellent book that helps you look at your styles of loving. It sheds light on why you might be having conflicts in your marriage or relationships based on the comfort you both did or did not receive as a children. It also looks at your different learned styles of emotional love and how these may clash with your spouses.
I've found it very enlightening, and plan on using the workbook soon as well.
Their overall message is resoundingly hopeful and their belief that people can change .......2007-06-06
Husband and wife Milan and Kay Yerkovich have compiled an intriguing body of counseling scenarios detailing their imprinted love styles. Thoughtfully presented, the text breeds understanding and compassion between spouses who are struggling to make their marriage work. The authors base much of their material on the premise that adults continue to live out in patterns of communication and intimacy largely based upon what they learned and experienced in their childhood home. Thus stated, the Yerkovichs offer lengthy case studies and examples of what each "love style" looks like and how it conflicts with others.
Between the two of them, this professional couple has over 25 years of pastoral counseling experience (Milan's) added to 13 years of marriage and family counseling (Kay's) --- not to mention the fact that they've learned a lot firsthand through the ups and downs of their own 33-year marriage. For openers, the Yerkovichs offer a single question upon which the foundational principle of the book is based: "Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?" During the first 18 years of life, every person needs deep emotional comfort extended through meaningful touch, empathetic listening that validates feelings and some sort of soothing relief. If any of these elements are missing, then real comfort is lacking.
The authors write that roughly 75 percent of adults they surveyed did not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a primary caregiver as children. Thus, the answer to this key question will determine in large part how one responds in marriage when life gets tough. If a person was comforted early on, then they seek relationships as safe havens during times of trial. Conversely, if an individual lacked meaningful emotional comforting during childhood, reaching out for help from a mate will not come naturally. Hence, the birth of an impasse between the majority of married couples.
According to the Yerkovichs, there are five harmful love styles.
- The avoider doesn't place a lot of stock in feelings or in being comforted. He prefers space, autonomy and is highly task-oriented.
- The pleaser recoils from rejection and criticism. He moves quickly through any conflict and dreads emotional distance from his spouse.
- The vacillator is overly sensitive. Fluctuating between being angry or disappointed with others, he often feels conflicted.
- The controller responds to disorder by dominating people and situations through anger and intimidation.
- The victim takes a passive role to protect against pain yet is inwardly resentful and angry.
Following a thorough examination of each love style, the authors provide a section on the damage that results from these marriage "duets" when not properly recognized and addressed. Readers will find the various combinations both fascinating and grievous, as they observe the inner pain that both partners unwittingly unleash upon one another. In the final segment, solutions are presented through carefully constructed patterns for emotional growth and health. Individuals first must become aware of their own love styles and that of their mate's, learn to engage safely and lovingly, and then explore via active listening for eventual resolution to problems.
The Yerkovichs supply thought-provoking, if sometimes painful, exercises for couples to engage in, yet their overall message is resoundingly hopeful and their belief that people can change through this methodical system is convincing.
--- Reviewed by Michele Howe
Where is the hidden camera?.......2007-04-29
After reading just a few chapters of How We Love, I got the distinct impression that someone had been following me around, reading my mail, and using me as subject material for a book. Milan and Kay show great insight into the intricate "dance" of our relationship with our spouse. Although much of the information in their book is gleened from other sources, they have woven that information, their personal experiences, and examples from therapy sessions into a wonderful tool to improve the relationship between a husband and wife. Reading this book has prompted new conversations relating to our past, and our family relationships.
Amazon.com
Ever wonder why women can brush their teeth while walking and talking on various subjects while men generally find this very difficult to do? Why 99 percent of all patents are registered by men? Why stressed women talk? Why so many husbands hate shopping? According to Barbara and Allan Pease, science now confirms that "the way our brains are wired and the hormones pulsing through our bodies are the two factors that largely dictate, long before we are born, how we will think and behave. Our instincts are simply our genes determining how our bodies will behave in given sets of circumstances." That's right: socialization, politics, or upbringing aside, men and women have profound brain differences and are intrinsically inclined to act in distinct--and consequently frustrating--ways.
The premises behind Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps is that all too often, these differences get in the way of fulfilling relationships and that understanding our basic urges can lead to greater self-awareness and improved relations between the sexes. The Peases spent three years researching their book--traveling the globe, talking to experts, and studying the cutting-edge research of ethnologists, psychologists, biologists, and neuroscientists--yet their work does not read a bit like "hard science." In fact, the authors go to considerable lengths to point out that their book is intended to be funny, interesting, and easy to read; in short, this is a book whose primary purpose is to talk about "average men and women, that is, how most men and women behave most of the time, in most situations, and for most of the past."
Why Men Don't Listen, therefore, deals largely in generalizations, and this is bound to alienate some readers. "We don't beat around the bush with suppositions or politically correct clichés," the Peases claim. Those up for an irreverent and unapologetic take on why men and women just can't help themselves sometimes may just decide to read on. --Svenja Soldovieri
Book Description
Have you ever wished your partner came with an instruction booklet? This international bestseller is the answer to all the things you've ever wondered about the opposite sex.
For their controversial new book on the differences between the way men and women think and communicate, Barbara and Allan Pease spent three years traveling around the world, collecting the dramatic findings of new research on the brain, investigating evolutionary biology, analyzing psychologists, studying social changes, and annoying the locals.
The result is a sometimes shocking, always illuminating, and frequently hilarious look at where the battle line is drawn between the sexes, why it was drawn, and how to cross it. Read this book and understand--at last!--why men never listen, why women can't read maps, and why learning each other's secrets means you'll never have to say sorry again.
Customer Reviews:
Isightful.......2007-06-27
While the title is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I found the authors' approach both balanced and well thought out. The fact it is written by a couple helps credibility, but it also prompts thought towards further investigation through additional resources.
There are multiple points of humor that added to the book's charm and entertainment value.
Same Old Stereotypes, the author thinks we're idiots!.......2007-05-24
The differences between men and women is a sexy topic and I was definitely interested in reading about it, but I felt like I'd been duped after reading this book. It stinks of gender bias and old stereotypes. The book describes certain behavior- such as making decisions based on facts and reading maps- as being "masculine" and other behavior- such as nuturing the group and listening- as being "feminine". There wouldn't be anything wrong with that proclamation in itself... but as a basis for an entire book? Come on!
The first chapter goes into detail about how if a man behaves differently from what they define as "masculine" traits and vice versa, we should overlook these little differences because the book deals with overall trends. Please. Even I could write a book based on my general observations and claim that any discrepancies should be disregarded. I could even call myself an "expert" to sound credible. Well hey, what a coincidence! It turns out that the author isn't even a doctor or psychologist, just a self-proclaimed "expert".
The worst thing about the book is that it seems like the author/s are on a personal crusade to pound their personal OPINION into reader's heads by masquerading them as "facts". Most of these "facts" are based on primordial human behavior and evolution, which is obviously guesswork drawn from a lot of theorizing rather than from concrete evidence.
What a great book.......2007-05-18
One of the best books, explaining typical differences between male and female. Helps avoid totally unnecessary problems in communications and expectations. It gives great insights into why people behave the way they do (and not how we expect them to).
This Book is Amazing!.......2007-04-19
I learned so much from this book! It has amazing facts about how men and women are born different with pre-hardwired patterns regardless of how you are raised. Read this book! Also check out my new site on my upcoming book. DanArdebili . com
Dan Ardebili
Katie's Opinion.......2007-01-12
I think this is such a good book everybody should read it. It is not just about boy girl relationships in the traditional sense that you think of. As a mother of a 25 year old son, I wish I had read this book 25 years ago. I would have been far more understanding on some issues and more patient. Remembering my teenage years I could certainly see why I acted the way I did as well. I apologized to my son for some things, said a prayer to my Mom and bought a copy for my son and his girlfriend and for my sister and her daugher. I think it is a must read for all adults.
Book Description
Determine your personality using a scientifically validated method based on the work of C.G. Jung and gain insight into why others behave the way they do, and why you are the person you are.
Customer Reviews:
Can't put it down........2004-03-23
This book is an amazing introduction to Typology. I started reading it and could not put it down. There is so much useful information in this book that can only help you when you have dealings with others. It can also help you learn a great deal about yourself. The authors pointed out that was the main purpose of this book.
For example is was able to determine that I am a INFP. I also learned that it's very uncommon to be an INFP, being a male. I was also able to learn what types of work envoirnments I work well in, what types of careers people with my type are attracted too, what other types I correspond with best, and much more. Also finding out that all of my poor Introverted people were persecuted for being so quiet, and often recieved constant day-to-day pressure to get out and be normal (so I'm not alone). Not realizing that this behavior could not be more normal.
This book is a very easy and enjoyable read. Everything is well organized and laid out. The authors use alot of conversation examples between different personality types, often a riot to read, it also makes a point about different types of people, which really helped me the most. This book has so much to offer, everybody can benefit greatly from it.
Knowing Your Type.......2004-03-11
Have you ever walked into a co-workers office and asked them a question as they first look at you with a glazed look, and then ask you to repeat the question? Have you dealt with a people who take forever to answer anything? How about trying to understand individuals who seem to be somewhat unfocused and a bit scattered in their conversation?
The book Type Talk is a great introduction to understanding the personality make up of these types of people and basically everyone else.
This book breaks down the 16 Myers Briggs Types to come up with an introduction to individuals who want to know why people do the things they do.
For individuals who know types through the MBTI, this book will assist you in understanding the type of almost anyone you talk with, and be able to relate better with them. For someone who has not been through the MBTI, this book will allow you to be introduced to personality types without animal names, colors or something that sounds like a sickness (phlegmatic....ahem....)
You will come to understand and reflect on how someone who tends to be more Introverted or Extroverted, Sensing or iNtuitive, Thinking or Feeling, Judging or Perceiving and how a combination of the above will determine how people tend to relate to the people in their lives, how they approach life in general and daily.
This book could help everyone to understand the world we live in.
One thing though, don't put people in a box. If someone is considered one of the 16 types, that is not a box they are in, that is the reference they usually feel most comfortbably working from.
Thuesen and Kroeger bring together their years of research and have a lot of documentation for back up and instruction.
A must book if you are in Human Resources, Training or Education or if you love the differences that make up the human race.
Now if only schools used this stuff..........2004-01-20
The descriptions of the types are great. This is very well written and most informative. I recommend it most definitely and wish the inefficient, one-size-fits-all obsolete psych of the education system could get thrown out in favor of this more practical psych system.
The only place the Otto and Janet missed the boat completely is where they try and guess famous people's types: they are nearly always off base, strangely.
Top-Shelf.......2003-03-13
I work in the field of Leadership Development and the two assessment tests we use are the MBTI and the Gallup StrengthsFinder. The MBTI is great for learning preferences and type, and how someone will act in public. This book, 'Type Talk," does an excellent job of working through all the types and preferences, whether Extrovert/Introvert Intuitive/Sensing Thinking/Feeling or Judging/Perceiving, this book does it all. It makes sense, it is easy to read, and will get you on the road to understanding the world of Myers-Briggs a whole lot better. Overall Grade, A.
Joseph Dworak
The Best MBTI Book Out.......2003-02-13
After over 10 years of studying and using the MBTI in corporate and not for profit work, I have found Otto and Janet's books most useful. Their writing is non-judgemental and very acurate. There are many useful "job aids" throughout that give excellent tips in areas like communication, conflict, etc... They explain type through stories and experiences that illustrate meaning behind the model. I have not found better authors on the subject of MBTI.
Book Description
Courageous Souls explores the premise that we are all eternal souls who plan our lives, including our greatest challenges, prior to birth for purposes of spiritual growth. The book contains ten true stories of people who planned physical illness, having handicapped children, deafness, blindness, drug addiction, alcoholism, losing a loved one, and severe accidents. Because very different life challenges are often planned for similar reasons, readers who have not faced these specific challenges will nevertheless see themselves - and their motivations as a soul - in these stories. As readers come to realize that they themselves planned their lives, suffering that once seemed purposeless becomes imbued with deep meaning. Wisdom may be acquired in a more conscious manner; feelings of anger, guilt, blame, and victimization are replaced by acceptance, forgiveness, peace, and gratitude.
Customer Reviews:
courageous souls-Do we plan our life challanges before birth?.......2007-10-15
This book is FANTASTIC!
Everyone has a story and has things going on in their life.This book makes everything that happens to you make sense. It allows you to understand why you have ended up where you are in life.Why you have chosen certain paths.And allows you to understand and be at peace with other peoples choices and the way they live their life.
I just loved it.Everyone should have a copy.It is well written, easy to understand and informative.But above all..it just makes sense.And things seem alot more clear to me than they did before I read the book.I loved it.For anyone who needs alittle hope or clarity in their lives..read this book.
Slow read.......2007-10-12
This book has some interesting ideas but it is a slow read. Not too sure if I would recommend.
Karma is more than payback.......2007-10-11
This book really changed my perspective on my current life situation. I was quite negative about the situation I'm dealing with, feeling it was just the result of past lives in which I had incurred very bad karma and I would just have to live through it. But, after reading this book, I believe I am living this life because of contracts I made in the pre-birth planning. That changes everything for me - if I agreed to the challenges I'm working with because I wanted to help one I love, there can be no resentment, just gratitude for being able to help, and love for the one I'm struggling with. Thank you, Robert Schwartz, what a gift!
So that's why . . ........2007-10-08
If you ever want to get into the backside of your pre-birth planning of your life challenges, read Courageous Souls by Robert Schwartz. Want to know why you attract illness, accidents, birth defects? Want to know why you chose a life of alcoholism or drug addiction, or are around someone who has? Read this book. The stories, while may start out slow at first, are powerful and insightful. Just stick with them. Robert uses mediums who are able to access multiple guides at one time, and your primary guide and listen in on conversations between you and your soul group.
not credible.......2007-09-30
I got to p. 300 and started reading another book. I found this book painstakingly slow to read, the information provided by the mediums: farfetched, and the conclusions drawn by the author, hard to swallow. Often, when mediums are tired, their accuracy rate diminishes. I never heard of any of the mediums used in this book. Robert Schwartz makes everything so complicated when the subject matter is really quite easy to understand. The book just doesn't flow easily and it's not a page turner in my opinion. I'm a believer, but this book really is a waste of time and money. Read Journey of the Soul by Michael Newton, PhD. Instead of using mediums, he enters the superconsciousness of his clients and elicits information from them directly about their experiences on The Other Side.
Book Description
Provides an illuminating explanation of the origins and meaning of romantic love and shows how a proper understanding of its psychological dynamics can revitalize our most important relationships.
Customer Reviews:
Life changing.......2007-10-01
I knew before I read this book that it was going to share wisdom not only for my entire lifetime but a priceless piece of information and knowledge that I needed just at that time to help me understand and live through an excruciatingly painful chapter in my life and move forward with new insight and unimaginable growth. I think this book should be a mandatory piece of the western education tool kit for living a fulfilled and abundant life lived with true purpose. Nice job.....I'm eternaly grateful.
We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love.......2007-05-27
This book is for anyone truly ready to enter a relationship with a clear open mind and heart. In this time when intimate relationships cannot find their way, endless divorces, embittered men and woman, frustrated couples... this book will lead the way to the new paradigm of relationship. I highly recommend it.
Cutting Through Romantic Materialism.......2006-10-12
In this companion volume to Johnson's "He" & "She" books, he analyzes a medieval story (similar to Marie-Louise von Franz & Allan Chinen) in terms of Jungian psychology--but pursuing p. 195: "The task of salvaging love from the swamp of romance." He describes Western misinterpretation & overemphasis on being in love & its projection of the inner human soul (p. 63: "animus is the soul in woman just as anima is the soul in man") onto an external person--leading to later disaster. Interestingly, it closely parallels Trungpa's "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism" that I read in parallel. I think Trungpa would agree with Johnson that: p. 32: "Many Western people, caught up in misunderstanding of Eastern religions or philosophy, make an ideal of getting rid of the ego. We need to understand that the ego is absolutely necessary; it has a vital role to play in the drama of evolving consciousness" & Johnson (p. 151) provides an enlightening, extraordinary definition of ego "death." Also, they both address the illusions/delusions of incorrect assumptions/preconceptions & the materialization of spiritual matters. Johnson's concluding chapters (an American Indian legend, a dream, & an analysis contrasting romantic love, human love, & friendship) rounded out his view since earlier chapters seemed a bit over-the-top via overgeneralization, over intellectualization (too much Thinker vs. Feeler), & a religious view of romance & spirituality (vs. Jungian individuation, balance, & integration). I'm uneasy with Johnson's "love the one you're with" (p. 129) philosophy & his praise of Eastern marriage. While he demonstrates how romantic love is egocentric vs. altruistic human love, he deemphasizes this in his story analysis. It seems to me that Tristan was a puer (Peter Pan) archetypal hero--not an adult. Much of what Johnson vilifies as romance could be attributed to narcissism instead--could romantic love merely be an implementation of narcissism? Further, archetypes form complexes by combining with human experience; thus, anima & animus are complexes as well as archetypes. An adult could apply archetypal spiritual love to a real person to form a (human) love complex. Thus, rather than an Eastern contractual marriage or Western falling-in-love, one could follow the Middle Way of human love, balancing one's inner & outer worlds without sacrificing personal affinity. Johnson seems to imply this without explicating it. He performs a most valuable service by exposing idealized romantic falling-in-love & facilitating modern understanding of human love & commitment in a society with a dearth of both.
Understanding is a first step, and almost half way!.......2006-05-08
If you are a man, and you are deeply suffering because either you are in love, or because you feel you are loosing one, this book is worth a hundred psycho-therapy sessions. It is very likely that it will help you to understand yourself, and therefore you would become much more likely to take control, or at least, to feel wide relief associated to deep understanding!
Excellent book about love!.......2005-11-08
It gives a great perspective as to how we humans experience love. It also gives a good explanation of what is the difference between romatic love and, true and mature love. It talks about expectations, desires, passion, commitment, fears, etc. It helped me to understand why my love parners acted the way they did in our relationships, as well as why I kept fighting for those unfruitful relationships. ¡Trully interesting!
Book Description
Practical Help for Building a Stronger, More Passionate Marriage
Every adult bears an “imprint of intimacy”–an inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood lessons about handling their feelings and needs. Those past experiences shape your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all current relationships, especially marriage.
This powerful companion guidebook–perfect for use on your own or in a group setting–will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. Inside you’ll find practical, solution-focused tools for building a stronger, more passionate marriage, including…
·specific questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy
·an assessment tool for identifying your intimacy imprint
·strategic guidance in applying the principles for increasing intimacy
·effective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change
·a plan for developing clear, personalized goals for your marriage relationship
Let relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich guide you through a process of discovery that has transformed countless relationships, taking your marriage to a whole new level of intimacy as you learn to change How We Love.
Customer Reviews:
Hits the nail on the head.......2007-09-14
I've read books before that "categorize" your personality type, etc, and I have never heard anyone describe me... until I read this book. They nailed my personality or "love style", based on how I was raised. It really gave me insight into WHY I do things the way I do. And not only that, but it showed me HOW to work on those areas that need work. Great book... I am buying a copy of the book and workbook for some friends who are getting married. What better way to start off marriage, than to understand yourself better, before trying to understand someone else?! This book has also helped me understand my husband better too and be more compassionate and understanding of him. :)
A Must have with the book.......2007-04-14
I purchased this book set for my husband (& I) for Christmas. I also bought a large blank journal book. We have been working through each chapter of the book/workbook while answering in the journal (me on the right and my hubby on the left). It has been PIVITOL in our relationship and has really helped us change the way we not only relate to each other, but has helped reframe our total thinking & forgiving process. If you are going to start somewhere - this is the place to do it. Milan is also featured on "New Life Live" radio - and he is the 'real deal.' It will be the best money (and time) you have ever spent!
Wonderful eye opening book about how we connect.......2007-01-19
This is a must read for anyone having marital issues. I believe this book brought to light many of the reasons my wife and I have not connected.
Easy to read and understand and even enjoyable reading. I plan on purchasing more copies for others. It's a book that I feel I will re-read several times to absorb every detail.
Book Description
"If you want flashes and particular experiences of romantic love, read novels. If you want to understand this central quality of human nature to its roots, read Why We Love." Edward O. Wilson In Why We Love, renowned anthropologist Helen Fisher offers a new map of the phenomenon of love-from its origins in the brain to the thrilling havoc it creates in our bodies and behavior. Working with a team of scientists to scan the brains of people who had just fallen madly in love, Fisher proved what psychologists had until recently only suspected: when you fall in love, specific areas of the brain "light up" with increased blood flow. This sweeping new book uses this data to argue that romantic passion is hardwired into our brains by millions of years of evolution. It is not an emotion; it is a drive as powerful as hunger. Provocative, enlightening, engaging, and persuasive, Why We Love offers radical new answers to age-old questions: what love is, who we love-and how to keep love alive.
Customer Reviews:
Memorable.......2007-09-19
There was a lot of detailed scientific information that was actually quite interesting to learn about and also to retain. A lot of the things I read in here I've never forgotten. It gets into physical chemistry - pheromones, neurotransmitters, the big role that the neurotransmitter dopamine plays in love, as well as the hormone oxytocin (in females). Anyway, I'd highly recommend this to anyone interested in dissecting why we're attracted to certain people and the chemicals our brain releases when we are in love.
Too wordy.......2007-09-19
The whole of the book can probably fit on 20 pages if it wasn't for references to irrelevant personalities that lived centuries ago and said obvious things. Why do books of this kind feel compelled to quote Shakespear in the original with all those arcane words? It just makes it hard to read. Once you do take the time to decipher them, the ideas are so obvious that it's really not necessary to mention them. For example (and I'm approximating because I don't have the book around), a chapter would be titled "Passion" and then the author just has to mention some guy in the 12th century who said something like "Passion consumes you day and night". Everybody knows how passion feels, let's move on.
But to be fair, I did find the info on chemical processes involved in love very interesting.
Dr. Fisher as Dr. Phil?.......2007-08-23
I read Why We Love after reading Dr. Fisher's earlier works: I do not think this book is as intriguing and as insightful as they were. Anyway, the subject matter of Fisher's research is romantic love, which she regards as a fundamental human drive. Romantic love is a "device" employed by Evolution, to attract and nurture a relationship with a mate. Animals display a variety of behaviors to entice mates, and so do humans who use primarily the senses of smell and sight to impress members of the opposite sex. Traditionally, men respond to visual stimuli and females to verbal communication in the process of forming pair bonding, which is yet another evolutionary device to ensure the perpetuation of the species. Just as she suggested in her previous works, a study of the statistics of divorce indicates that it peaks at around three or four years after marriage/birth of children, suggesting that from an evolutionary perspective, once a child was reared, it made "sense" to go out of the relationship and create new opportunities for the reproduction of the species. In her research conducted on the brain scans of people who were madly in love, she documented the role of dopamine and norepinephrine play in a "lover's high." As the levels of these chemicals rise, serotonin decreases; as they lower, lethargy, despondency and depression set in. She also documented how the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin are responsible for generating feelings of attachment; these hormones are also released during orgasm. Fisher also mentioned how John Allan Lee and Robert Sternberg wrote about different types of love: having read both authors, I strongly recommend them to readers interested in the topic of love.
The most intriguing chapter in Fisher's book was chapter eight, entitled "Taking Control of Passion." Riding on the wave of psychologists' research, Fisher, an anthropologist, sets forth some very useful and practical suggestions how to make romance last and how to overcome depression once a relationship is over. Is Dr. Fisher morphing into Dr. Phil?
absolutely wonderful - a definite read!.......2006-11-17
As a chemist, when I am told something I usually respond by asking, "Why?" More times than not, the answer i receive is less than sufficient.
Recently I was heartbroken by my fiance when he left me. I didn't understand why I began to feel tired, angry, sad, etc. at the slightest thought of him.
Then I came across this book, which gave insight as to why I was feeling all of these mixed emotions, and supplied with scientific support. It is a mind stimulating, descriptive book explaining the biology and chemistry of Love in humans (with a couple of incredibly interesting sections on the behavior of some other animals). Anyone that has ever had their heart broken can easily relate to this book and should definitely invest a bit of time reading about "why we love."
As Entertaining as it is Enlightening. .......2006-08-20
Dr. Helen Fisher's Why We Love is the rarest of books as it manages to simultaneously be both scientific and conversational in tone. All the citations, studies, and interpretations one would hope to find are present here along with personal anecdotes, and endless quotations from literary figures. Dr. Fisher is a physical anthropologist who should not be confused with those batty ideologues found on the other, lower order, end of her profession who deny the basis of biological differences existing between the sexes. The evidence that love is but a series of chemical reactions in the brain undertaken as a means to advance our reproductive goals is both robust and highly believable. I've studied different works on this topic, but was particularly impressed by the thoroughness of her explanations--particularly for why a man falls in love with a particular woman. Dr. Fisher, after detailing man's obsession with youth and beauty, outlined various additional factors impacting on the formation of love such as a desire on the part of man to rescue and aid women in distress. A woman's need for assistance and his accompanying need to feel valued are no minor components in the recipe which produces attachment. An additional area of value was the subsection describing why feelings of love are heightened when a couple do something novel together. This was quite intriguing as the argument is quite convincing. Indeed, it explains much about what we describe as romantic. As a narrator, Dr. Fisher is far from detached, but I mention this more as commendation than criticism because her biases are transparent and her enthusiasm is contagious. That she communicates so effectively with readers is yet another reason why finishing this text was effortless. There is considerably more oomph in these 220 pages than a glance at its index would suggest. My only criticism is that Dr. Fisher needed to attach an answer key to the "Being in Love" questionnaire included in the Appendix. Without some way to systematically quantify responses, the reader's efforts will not be very meaningful. Regardless, this is an outstanding book which is very educational and meant for popular consumption.
Book Description
A brilliant assault on our obsession with every difference except the one that really matters—the difference between rich and poor
If there’s one thing Americans agree on, it’s the value of diversity. Our corporations vie for slots in the Diversity Top 50, our universities brag about minority recruiting, and every month is Somebody’s History Month. But in this provocative new book, Walter Benn Michaels argues that our enthusiastic celebration of “difference” masks our neglect of America’s vast and growing economic divide. Affirmative action in schools has not made them more open, it’s just guaranteed that the rich kids come in the appropriate colors. Diversity training in the workplace has not raised anybody’s salary (except maybe the diversity trainers’) but it has guaranteed that when your job is outsourced, your culture will be treated with respect.
With lacerating prose and exhilarating wit, Michaels takes on the many manifestations of our devotion to diversity, from companies apologizing for slavery, to a college president explaining why there aren’t more women math professors, to the codes of conduct in the new “humane corporations.” Looking at the books we read, the TV shows we watch, and the lawsuits we bring, Michaels shows that diversity has become everyone’s sacred cow precisely because it offers a false vision of social justice, one that conveniently costs us nothing. The Trouble with Diversity urges us to start thinking about real justice, about equality instead of diversity. Attacking both the right and the left, it will be the most controversial political book of the year.
Customer Reviews:
Part I to The Trouble with Injustice.......2007-09-22
I think this is an excellent and highly original, even brilliant, analysis of how special interest or identity groups result in, or at least result in acceptance and the ignoring of, economic injustice. The book analyzes, with astute insight, this problem or "trouble." On that score, the author is very persuasive. The problem is the absence of any cogenly presented solution to the problem. This may have been intentional, and I could even respect the author's decision to limit his contribution. In fact, I think the author may be quite right that he is not qualified to present a proposed solution. It seemst to me that there are two paths to addressing the problem, economic and religious. Either one by itself will not work. An economic calculation on how to obtain utopia and end human injustice is not only hopelessly unrealistic, but in the end tends to result in inhumanity, as in the Marxist attempted solution to the problem. Spritual charity in needed as an internal part of justice. Neither liberal individualism, as is increasingly common today and obviously a failure in terms of addressing injustice, nor collectivism, the failure of the past, will work and combining the two will only lead to further failure, IMHO. Living Christian social justice is probably our best bet at this point. If only governmental authorities and the people they supposedly lead also sought justice, together more could be done.
Literature professor tackles Big Problem.......2007-08-24
This is one of the dumbest books I've not finished reading. A professor of American Literature with a family income of $250,000 tackles the Big Problem: Economic Inequality is the Basic Social Problem facing this country--but he's not giving any of his money away. In fact, he says he wrote the book so he could make more money. He advocates closing all private schools and other nonsense as solutions to the problem. He claims that the only meaningful equality is equality of outcome. Sure, we all have the right to be doctors and lawyers and so forth if we want to be.
What he has to say about race is not worth summarizing.
It's a silly book. Don't waste your money..
Resource distribution, not income distribution.......2007-05-23
This book has been analyzed extensively. So I'll be brief:
WBM's suggestion to ameliorate income disparity is NOT income redistribution. It is RESOURCE (healthcare and education) redistribution.
Real estate taxes fund schools - so wealthy suburbs have better public schools than low income neighborhoods. How does an individual parent solve this? Move to the better neighborhood!
Healthcare is ones own responsibility. The actual cost of this for a mediam income family of 4 is 10-20% of income (depending on who you listen to). How does a family deal with this? Suck it up and pay!
In both cases policies for the provision of what are normally considered to be public goods have been outsourced to the marketplace in the US.
If you believe that education and health are the ticket to a better life, then you have no choice but to agree w/ WBM that this is effectively not avaialble to those in the lowest quintile in the US.
US society papers over this by harping on diversity.
The studies showing that social mobility in the US is the LOWEST among OECD nations confirms this.
Runs out of Steam.......2007-05-17
The main idea is that too much focus on diversity has allowed the schools/press/government to take their focus off the more critical issue of levelling the ECONOMIC playing field, rather than the absurd and meaningless "diversity" playing filed, which plays into the elite/rich right's (and left's) hands.
I agree with the author that too much focus is put on race (the author makes the point that race really "shouldn't matter", and may not even really exist); indeed there are some interesting views made on Plessy vs. Ferguson. However, towards the end of the book, when the author branches out to say that the USA's language, and culture (and, by extrapolation, borders) "don't matter" either and shouldn't be the subject of any argument, it became clear that the author had already run out of useful subject matter in this relatively small book.
Readable, sometimes Brilliant, but Glib.......2007-02-05
This is an engaging, sometimes brilliant, book that is also deeply flawed. It is wonderfully well written. The author can turn a phrase and produce the occasional memorable maxim. For example, he says "Diversity, like gout, is a rich person's disease" (p108) and he says regarding the diversity obsession in elite American institutions that "the supposed left has turned into something like the human resource department of the right, concerned to make sure that women of the upper middle class have the same privileges as the men"( p114). The early chapters on the biology of race and "Our Favorite Victims" (which argues that our obsessions with race and gender have obscured our vision of economic inequality) are especially subtle and illuminating.
Still the book suffers two flaws: whenever it treats hard sociological facts the interpretation is typically glib, and the author offers few if any concrete proposals to address the problem of economic inequality. Regarding the first problem, three examples will suffice.
1 On page 98, the author provides the average SAT scores for students in 10 income categories, ranging from less than $10,000 dollars (872) to more than $100,000 dollars (1115). The average SAT goes up with each step up the income ladder. The problem he fails to note, however, is that race or ethnicity is even more important than income in accounting for variation in SAT. In 2006 Blacks averaged 863 and Asians scored 1088 on the SAT, and Asians from families earning $20,000-$30,000 outscored blacks from homes earning over $100,000 by over 60 points. Income is important but ethnicity is more important. In terms of school achievement, "it is more important to be born Asian than born rich," as Lawrence Steinberg once put it.
2 Michaels assumes that white suburban schools are better funded than black/urban schools (p87, passim), and that this accounts for differences in student performance but the evidence is quite clear that more money is spent on urban schools per student than any other type of school. Schools with 50% or more minority students spend 9% more than those with 5% or fewer minority students. My area would be typical. Atlanta City schools spend 50% more per student than suburban counties such as Cobb and Gwinnett but the latter greatly outperform Atlanta on standardized tests. The school district that spends the most in the country is Washington DC and it is arguably the worst school district in the country. There is no relationship between expenditures and student performance, something we have known since the Coleman Report of 1966. Family variables, especially family composition, explain most of the variation in student achievement.
3 The author observes that the academic left has claimed that domestic abuse occurs in every social class but that in fact poor women are 7 times more likely to be abused than wealthy women (pp.117-119). This is true but it hides what is the real variable of importance--marital status. According to the Justice Department and the National Crime Victimization Survey, single women are 4 times more likely to be abused than married women, and divorced and separated women are 10 times more likely to be abused than married women. The income findings are largely a function of the fact that married couples have much higher incomes than single/separated/divorced households.
Regarding the paucity of concrete policy prescriptions, one has to assume that Michaels wants to increase taxes on the rich and distribute the money to the poor but that is no guidance at all. He does seem to prefer that affirmative action shift from race/ethnicity/gender to social class, but as many have observed, such a shift would benefit whites and Asians disproportionately. The single concrete proposal he makes is reparations for slavery. Of course, this is rather ironic, given that the main point of the book is that obsessions with race and gender have blinded us to issues of income inequality, but the larger problem with such a proposal is contained in statements like "reparations are a technology for trying to create a world that comes as close as possible to the world we would have had if neither slavery nor Jim Crow had happened" (p128-129). You have to work very hard to be that facile. Had slavery never happened the descendents of those who in fact were enslaved would be living in West Africa and yet the 37 million people currently living in the US of African descent have a combined income much larger than the combined income of the 650 million sub-Saharan Africans. The typical person living in Western Africa lives on less than 2 dollars a day. By the author's logic, the descendents of slaves are the ones who should be paying reparations. Did I say "glib?" That is absurd.
Brad Lowell Stone
Average customer rating:
- Beautiful book
- Great Book!
- Love It or Hate It - I Loved It
- FOR THE LOVE OF OLD: LIVING WITH CHIPPED, FRAYED, TARNISHED, FADED, TATTERED, WORN , AND WEATHERED THINGS THAT BRING COMFORT...
- Not her best...
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For the Love of Old: Living with Chipped, Frayed, Tarnished, Faded, Tattered, Worn and Weathered Things that Bring Comfort, Character and Joy to the Places We Call Home
Mary Randolph Carter
Manufacturer: Rizzoli
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ASIN: 0847828476
Release Date: 2006-10-24 |
Book Description
This stunning volume focuses on the qualities of the old things in our homes (the patina of an old table, pewter dulled by age, old floorboards that creak) and how to live with and incorporate them into our personal aesthetic. Divided into chapters by the qualities of oldâpeeling, dried, tarnished, faded, chipped, frayed, rusty, and mossyâthis unique book not only pays tribute to furniture, textiles, china, silver and other accessories with these qualities but also shows us how best to preserve, adapt, and arrange them. Lavishly illustrated with beautiful photographs that highlight the warm colors and rich textures of wood and paint, cloth and leather, For the Love of Old also includes ideas and recipes for saving old items from the junk pile, preserving and caring for the old things you have, giving newer things a lived-in feel, and bringing an enduring personality to every home.
Customer Reviews:
Beautiful book.......2007-09-03
This book is beautiful. It is a coffe table copy. One you want to use for display. I was drawn with interest to someone who sees beauty in such old things. The book is very unique. I'm glad I have a copy.
Great Book!.......2007-02-07
I loved Mary Randolph Carter's book American Family Style so much and this book seemed to me like a part two of that original book. Although this book wasn't filled with pictures of her family it was filled with the same warmth and comfort as the original. Even though it may not be filled with exactly the things I might put in my own home it is something I enjoy reading. You can tell the author truly LOVES these lost, rusty, beautiful things. I truly can appreciate that.
Love It or Hate It - I Loved It.......2007-02-01
Many, indeed virtually all, of the books we see on interior decorating show rooms set with furnishings that are either brand new or antiques that are pristine and beautiful. They are a very, very long way from those long ago college days when glasses came from empty jelly jars and none of the plates or silverware matched.
Ms. Carter's book is a celebration of the old, the frayed, etc. The individual table settings don't have to be all alike. They just need to be interesting, attractive, have a story to tell. I particularly liked her comments regarding silver, probably because I've gotten a lot of it from my mother and grandmother.
Ms. Carter has an artistic eye that sees art where other people see junk. She matches her eye with her photographic skills that enable her to show exactly what she means. It's a book to be celebrated by those of us who like garage sales, thrift shops and making that special find.
FOR THE LOVE OF OLD: LIVING WITH CHIPPED, FRAYED, TARNISHED, FADED, TATTERED, WORN , AND WEATHERED THINGS THAT BRING COMFORT..........2007-01-10
AN AWESOME, INSPIRING, AND COMFORTING BOOK FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE OLD AND ECLECTIC LIFESTYLE. SIMPLY WRITTEN AND BEAUTIFULLY ILLUSTRATED WITH PHOTOS FIT FOR FRAMING. A GREAT RAINY DAY READ AND SUITABLE FOR THE COFFEE TABLE.
Not her best..........2007-01-09
I love her other books, I was so looking forward to reading this one over a long afternoon. I fell hook, line and sinker for her romance with flea markets and flea market treasures. This one looks like she took the leavings off the cutting room floor from her other books, packaged it nicely and called it good. Except it is not, good that is. Sorry but this stuff just looks like junk that I would not give a second glance to at a yard sale or flea market. And the price is so high!! Mutton done up as lamb.
Book Description
Did you ever wonder why cheap wine tastes better in fancy glasses? Why sales of Macintosh computers soared when Apple introduced the colorful iMac? New research on emotion and cognition has shown that attractive things really do work better, as Donald Norman amply demonstrates in this fascinating book, which has garnered acclaim everywhere from Scientific American to The New Yorker. Emotional Design articulates the profound influence of the feelings that objects evoke, from our willingness to spend thousands of dollars on Gucci bags and Rolex watches, to the impact of emotion on the everyday objects of tomorrow.
Norman draws on a wealth of examples and the latest scientific insights to present a bold exploration of the objects in our everyday world. Emotional Design will appeal not only to designers and manufacturers but also to managers, psychologists, and general readers who love to think about their stuff.
Customer Reviews:
An interesting view about how products can change our lives.......2007-09-30
Don Norman with this books exposes a review based on how products can make us feel better, and how they can influence our daily life in different contexts of use. If you're lookin' for a tutorial about "how make an emotional product", this is not the choice. Nevertheless, you'll never find it eather. Norman only puts a name to a phenomenon that already exists, but in a entertaining way that offer to the reader a new form to understand the design of products. It is worth it to read this, absolutely recommended.
Jakob Nielsen's Other Half.......2007-09-22
This book breaks down 3 categories of things we look at when we're deciding whether or not we like things, and then proceeds to show how one can analyze everyday things in those terms. I wouldn't say it's enlightening, but it does give you categories and terms for expressing things you already knew on some level. Don Norman's writing style is warm, and personal, and the book is easy to read. I've seen his name next to Jakob Nielsen's plenty of times but had no idea who he was or what he was about, so it gives a little insight into who Don Norman is as well, and why he and Jakob make good partners.
Author Ego.......2007-09-04
This book is uninspiring and boring. The author has a huge ego and does not translate his ideas effectively. The book is a long boring read and not anything new to those in design.
Subtract robots to get a great book on how emotions affect purchases.......2007-02-15
Norman opens the book with a discussion of three teapots he owns. He doesn't use them, but he loves how each tells a story. One is impossible to use, one is a classy glassy Michael Graves design and one is unusual. Norman says when we like the look of an object; we're more willing to overlook its design flaws as opposed to using something with no flaws and an ugly design.
I believe [...] is a good example of this from a web site perspective. It isn't so much about flickr's look-and-feel, but many of the non-designers, everyday Internet users understandably find the site difficult to use. [...] gained a reputation in the world of web design and IT -- the kind of people who find their way around the more difficult to use sites -- and many flocked to it because of word of mouth.
A friend of Norman's enthusiastically showed off his recent purchase of old, heavy and shiny drawing instruments including compasses, dividers and extension arms. For the author, the instruments evoked negative memories of using the difficult and messy tools. Enough time had passed for his friend to overlook the negative experience he had with the tools. Thus, when he found them, he saw them as a collectible reminding him of the "good old days" rather than something he hated using. Had those negative experiences been more recent or memorable, would he have bought the set?
The focal point of Emotional Design is that "attractive things work better." Norman explores how emotions affect purchase decisions based on three aspects of design: the visceral (appearance), behavioral (performance) and reflective (memories and experiences).
Understanding the three parts of design helps a business make the most of their product designs and marketing efforts. After all, an ad has images and those images can stir emotions. Service-based business can turn the intangible into the tangible and apply the concepts from the book.
Norman offers intriguing examples in the book to show how objects evoke emotions. The book loses its way in the last part when the author delves in the world of robots. While it talks about the possibility of robots having emotions, it tells nothing about "products" and human behavior. Except for this part, the book was a quick and fascinating read. Those who want to understand how design influences purchases will enjoy the book. Many of its concepts apply to business situations related to selling and designing products.
Cognitive science explains our love of good design.......2007-01-06
Understanding the emotions consumers feel about the objects you sell can help your business make the most of its product designs. Expert Donald Norman explains how being attractive, fun and enjoyable makes a product better. He explains that the emotions which affect purchase decisions are based on three aspects of design: "visceral" (appearance), "behavioral" (performance) and "reflective" (memories and experiences). He provides interesting case studies to show how objects evoke emotions. Norman's central theme is that "attractive things work better." And, the book works best when he hews to that theme; the last section, where he veers into a discussion of robots, doesn't seem as pertinent or as strong. We recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand how design affects emotions, and how emotions affect purchasing decisions.
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